There’s a line from Pitch Black where Johns says, “Want you to remember this moment, Riddick. The way it coulda gone and didn’t.”

That’s how I felt after sitting through Zombieland. It wasn’t completely bad, but it could have been so much better.

The movie has everything going for it on the outside…

Zombie Kill of the Week
Woody Harrelson
Woody Harrelson smoking weed and shooting said guns.
Not one, not two, but THREE tributes to Dale Earnhardt.
Did I mention Zombies???

…but it was missing a few things on the inside.

Where did it go wrong?

1. The previews: OK, this might not have been the movie makers fault, but I think they should know that in the theatre they showed previews of the upcoming romantic, comedy, starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant, followed by the romantic comedy starring Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin and Meryl Streep. And no, I didn’t buy tickets for Sense & Sensibility II so WTF???!!! I think they were taking that whole “captive audience” thing a bit too far.

2. Nerd boy: Nerd boy was funny for maybe the first 15-20 minutes, but by the end of the movie it started wearing a little thin. Why give all the camera time to a nerd, in search of his 2nd kiss, when you have a Natural Born Killer, with a gun, high on weed, in search of Twinkees???!!! Duh! That was your story right there.

3. Bad character follow through (just because it’s a zombie movie doesn’t mean it doesn’t count) : You have an experienced con girl, who jacks you twice for your car, supplies and guns and she decides that she’s really hot for the nerd boy and not the alpha male in the room. Not gonna happen. To quote a line from the movie, “she’s just not that into you…” and neither am I.

4. Disobeying the rules: At first I thought it was kool that they added the rules for surviving a zombie attack. We all know them, but its always fun to go over them. The problem comes in when you state the rules and then promptly break them. I have to give the movie makers a plus for the double tap but a big minus for having the heroes get jacked twice by a twelve year old. I fell for it myself the first time, but the second time was just stupid (and not in a good way). Oh and the double tap is useless if you’re not taking the head shots. And I don’t even want to talk about driving back across the country where you know the zombies are because you think there’s a chance in hell you might be able to kiss the cheek of the girl who’s just not that into you!

5. The “office scene”: I understand that there can sometimes be Zombie Killing Overload and you have to throw in an office scene, but its only suppose to be long enough for us to catch our breaths or risk being carried out of the theatre on a stretcher (see Crank 2). But a 30-45 minute office scene???!!! Guys, the movie was called Zombieland! Not loser gets the girl!

6. The end: After that long office scene, the end didn’t come soon enough and when it did, it was stupid. I did think that Woody was going to re-enact the Last Stand of the 300, like Kevin Costner did in that Elvis flick, but you couldn’t even go through with that. UGH!

I don’t regret that I saw Zombieland because I love Woody Harrelson with a gun almost as much as I love zombies. I just regret that paid $11.50 to see it instead of waiting for it to hit Netflix next week.