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Anyone else would be so dead by now!

I would like to just leave this review at the title and the poster because, honestly, what can be said about Crank 2. There are no words to describe it, ask my brother-in-law. He had the misfortune of seeing this movie without seeing the original Crank and afterward he looked so numb I thought he brain would explode. Me, I lost my voice from screaming and laughing and at some point actually lost my breath from laughing so hard. I now believe it it possible to laugh to death.

When I got home that night I tried to gather the words to write a review but how do you even begin. If I was smart I would have just taken a picture of Albert’s face and just posted that under the poster. My aunt (who had never heard of Crank 1 or 2) said the first movie must have been good if we all went to see the second one, but I don’t remember thinking the first one was good. I think I remember being in shock and wondering if anyone else had seen what I saw or if it was even legal to film something like that. Well Crank 2 is all that and a big ol’ bag of crack.

I think half of the people (myself included) bought tickets for Crank 2 because we had seen Crank 1 and wanted to see how the fuck hell there was going to be a Crank 2. Um… Jason Statham returns (yes returns) as Chev Chelios. In this adventure, Chelios must retrieve his heart from a Chinese mobster, who has stolen it and replaced it with a battery-powered one that requires regular jolts of electricity to keep working. That’s about as much plot as you’re going to get. The rest of the movie is OMG, WTF and ROFL.

The primary cast of the first movie return in this installment (whether they died in the first one or not), including Amy Smart (who’s a lot smarter this time) as Chelios’ girlfriend,  Jose Pablo Cantillo (just play along) as Verona, Efren Ramirez (not as Kaylo but I don’t want to spoil it for you), Dwight Yoakam as Doc Miles and Reno Wilson as Orlando. Joining the cast is CAB Bai Ling who is just wonderful because she’s playing Bai Ling Ria, who is accidentally saved by Chelios and now believes its her duty to return the favor. Art Hsu gives a very interesting performance as Johnny Vang. And Clifton Collins Jr., who was entirely TOO excellent in Capote, plays El Huron.

If you have balls, bring a protective cup. So many people get hit in the nuts in this movie that by the end, MY balls hurt. If you’re wondering if they could top the “parking meter scene” from the first movie, they can and they do. Whatever was in the first one, this one has more, violence, stupidity, sex, laughs, etc. and it’s all gratuitous. But tell the truth, isn’t that why we REALLY go to the movies. OK, just me. And don’t leave the theatre before  the lights go up. The movie is still going while they’re running the credits.

I love that Jason Statham subjected himself to such utter nonsense. I enjoyed this so much more than the last Transporter and Death Race. I was disappointed that they couldn’t find an “asiany” person to play the old Chinese guy. James Hong would have been PERFECT for the part. And i was REALLY surprised that Crank 2 didn’t beat FAF in the weekends box office. Maybe it will do better numbers on DVD.

To sum it up… If you saw the first Crank, see this. If you like Jason Statham, see this. If you love Bai Ling’s crazy internet dance, see this. If you want to piss your pants, see this. If it’s Saturday night and you ain’t got nothing else to do, see this. You will be shocked but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.